The Map

I was sitting in my car deciphering a map

for a road-trip that promised to be fun.

As I visualized the beauty of the scenic route

I could almost feel the warmth of the sun.

Many maps with endless roads 

were spread out at my side, 

they were written on and highlighted 

it was to be a perfect ride.

The path was calculated to perfection

and the lines were clearly drawn,

there was no room for error 

the road was far too long. 

But as I started to engage

I unexpectedly began to doubt,

and threw aside my many maps 

and then, I figured it all out… 

We go through life from map to map 

and think we will never get lost,

while ignorantly letting someone else lead 

at a very high cost.

But one day a simple truth

just hits us in the face,

and at that moment we realize

it’s precisely through the wrong turns and the sharp curves

that we meet our fate.

The heart and soul must learn the lessons

meant for this body that is their home,

and understand that no matter where life’s road takes us

the journey always leads to Rome.

It took some time but I learned to fly

and now It’s time to soar.

I trust and know we’ll meet again

because life just keeps opening new doors.

Now I know that Rome is home

and the bluebird of happiness awaits at my start,

all I have to do is light a bonfire with all

the maps I still carry in my car.

So throw away any preconceived ideas

and dream of anything at all,

the road you’re on is the perfect one

to get where you belong.

Now, when I’m asked how will I get there

my answer is short and sweet,

I make a beeline from who I am 

to who I want to be.

Miriam Leiderman

I have been on a 100 hour high. No drugs, no alcohol, no mushrooms needed.

Just the musical trail of beautiful souls connecting through a simple opening of the heart. 100 hours ago I sat down to write what was sort of a coming out manifesto. And wow, what a revelation. In tune with everything I believe my first blog post triggered a series of comments and events that have lead to an adrenaline rush I have been on and don’t want to step down from. 

Fear, love, sadness, happiness, are all emotions we experience on a daily basis, some more frequently than others, some more intensely. Fear, being one of the strongest, causes the body to immediately release endorphins, dopamine and norepinephrine. Endorphins mitigate pain, dopamine triggers an intense rush of pleasure, and norepinephrine affects parts of the brain where attention and responding actions are controlled. The more intense the situation, the greater the release of these chemicals. The greater the release of these chemicals, the greater the addiction-like symptoms.

Well, that’s exactly the walking-on-clouds-high I have been on…only it’s not fear based, and certainly not drug induced. Instead, It is based on a deeply rooted human need for love and connection. If you ask me, this type of do-good-receive-love-adrenaline-junkie-ism is just what the doctor ordered. This is what it would look like (I mean if I really became addicted):  I write I get feedback, the more feedback I get the more I write, the more this exchange takes place the more the release of chemicals and……hummm, I am feeling it already. 

Let me illustrate…

I was at a dinner Friday night. After blessing the meal, we sat down to eat, drink and converse…suddenly, the host got up, printed my first blog post “why I smile” and asked me to read it out loud. Through the near pin-dropping silent backdrop to my words, six souls met, connected and magic occurred. I could feel the energy flowing through the room when the conversation began. The stimuli was all around…feeding the possibilities and nurturing one another’s needy souls. Ahhh, the deliciousness of receiving exactly that which we crave. Crave being the key word, you see, my pleasure switch “dopamine” was turned on when my need for love and connection was being satiated. Almost instantly I could feel my energy levels increase, my senses heighten, my attention become so focused I could bask in exquisite delight at the smallest details.

Just picture this…Me, the tender-loving-sentimental-sensitive a-tad-volatile very-intoxicating and overly emotive Miriam, only on steroids. That was me. That has been me this week, and I am loving every minute of it!

Granted, this heightening of my sensations is nothing new. I have always been a very emotional person. To make matters worse, I am also very real, transparent, and somewhat melodramatic. These usually “cute traits” have gotten me into quite a bit of trouble over the years, but they have also catapulted me to the creative-mess that makes me what I am. So, believing in myself and armed with a few of my favorite weapons: genuine words coined from experience, a shield woven from the strengthened fibers of overcoming obstacles, gratitude, and of course…my smile. That night at the dinner table I wore my heart out on my sleeve yet again, and lo and behold, my life would never be the same again.

I possess no special powers, perform no magic tricks, and haven’t found a miraculous cure-all-emotional-baggage concoction (although I will keep trying). What I do own is my story, and a heartfelt understanding for the human experience, that’s all, but that’s all I need. 

We all have stories to share, we have all traversed the murky waters of…well, living! At some point we lost eye contact with ourselves and now fear getting reacquainted with that inner child. Yet we all secretly know who we are and what we are capable of, the question is, how do we reconnect. And that is what my writing is about…the private face-off and then the search for that intangible stuff that creates bonds and induces highs. 

As you can imagine my cherished friend Mr. sleep has not shown up at all. How could he show up and interrupt this life changing love-and-connection induced success rush! So here I am, 100 hours later, no sleep, not much food intake either (which I must confess suits me just fine since I need to get back into my old pair of jeans)…writing. 

In Sanskrit there is a word I am enamored with “namasté” it means The Light of God in Me recognizes and honors The Light of God in You and in that recognition is our Oneness. I let down my guard, wrote from my heart, and the unimaginable happened…one by one, people let down their guard and our souls danced. 

Humbled. I thank you. I feel you.

And, I am blown away…really!

But this wasn’t always the case. If you ask me, I am the personification of those success stories you always hear about…only in reverse. 

I started out with everything, and I mean everything. Born into a wonderful family, in what was an amazing and wealthy country (back then). I had everything handed to me on a silver platter and to top it off I was born with beauty and brains. I hope you don’t think I am this narcissistic egomaniac.  It’s true, mine was a real life cinderella-esq story where a happy ending was certain, and nothing could go wrong. So naturally I went on to become a beauty queen, studied the right career, hosted a TV talk show, married the perfect guy, had the most magnificent son. Life could not get any better.

Then why was I always unhappy, always depressed. Always looking for something I could not find. Was something wrong with me? The downward spiral started with antidepressants, then, since they really don’t attack the root of any problem and only provisionally placate the emotions associated with it, I inevitably destroyed my whole life.  I closed my business, got divorced, gained weight, stopped doing the things I loved the most, moved to another country, and by default got into a go through the moves kind of mode for many many years. Don’t get me wrong, in that manic mode I became superwoman.

I was able to juggle single motherhood, self-employment, and I mean be the best at both. But late at night when my son was asleep, all work was done, and another day was over. I faced myself once again. I faced my deepest fears. Why can’t I be happy. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I find love?

Then one day it hit me. Well it didn’t just hit me…I finally got it. Happiness is a choice I have to make. It as a conscious decision that no external factors will invade my internal affairs. So I made the transition from pills to exercise, from thrillers to comedies, from reading “novelas” to books that empower. I went from watching my son grow up and just being the conductor of homework yelling time and the perpetually designated after school chauffeur to actively participating in his intellectual growth by being the instiller of positive messages that will forever shape his destiny. I became my son’s personal live-in Tony Robbins. 

This is how I started a love affair with God and with myself that I know will last a lifetime. This is how I discovered my smile had power.

So now, every day,  after a full day of the same things I used to do before, I find myself  smiling. And instead of an “oh no I have to go exercise”…the message to myself is  “I am so lucky I get to walk-jog outside under this magnificent florida sun.” This minor attitude adjustment has become a way of life. I smile no matter what. And I find the positive message no matter what I have to do.

I am finally beautiful, but it is a different beauty…not a self-centered-look-at-me -I’m-pretty beauty…it’s more of a direct reflection of what is on my inside wanting to burst out and tell the world. I have discovered that true beauty only emanates from within. I have taped into an unlimited source of wealth and fulfillment far beyond any riches I can acquire, and it was in me all along.

I am happy! I am healthy! I am fit! I am vibrant! I am alive! I am grateful!

And I smile.